A is for Autism

I have wanted to start this blog for some time now to document the journey I have begun. Forty-five days ago, my son was diagnosed with Autism. He was only 19 months old when he received the diagnosis, he's 21 months now. He is relatively high functioning, and while I struggle to remain optimistic about his future, it's not my nature to look on the bright side. I worry. A lot. It is my hope that through this blog I can share our experiences as we navigate the world of Autism, vent my sadness and frustrations, and share our successes and joys. I have always been a big thinker, but never more so than now. Some posts may not directly relate to Autsim, or even Oliver, but will be about my own thoughts in general. I intend to paint a very honest picture of what it's like to be both the mother of a young boy diagnosed with Autism, and a woman who suffers from depression. It's not always pretty, but occasionally, it's breathtaking.

Because I like lists, and word games, I sometimes choose a topic and then make a list of words for each letter of the alphabet. Here's my alphabetical list of how I feel right now about my son's diagnosis.

A - Autism. Dear Autism, I hate you.
B - Beautiful. What my son is.
C - Communicate. Something I worry I'll never be able to fully do with my son.
D - Devastated. How I've been feeling for a long, long time.
E - Energy. So much is required. More than I have, yet somehow I keep going.
F - Frustration. It's never-ending. His, and mine.
G - Guilt. I know it's not my fault, but maybe it is?
H - Happiness. Will he ever know what true happiness is? Will I?
I - Irrelevant. What I feel all of my hopes and dreams have become.
J - Joke. You're kidding, right? This isn't really happening to us.
K - Kindergarten. Will he go? Will he need extra help? Will he repeat it?
L - Love. No matter how trying, I still love him more than seems possible.
M - Missing out. On so many of the joys of motherhood.
N - Not Normal. I know, I know...what's "normal" anyhow?
O - Oliver. Sweet, loving, curious little soul who steals my heart every day.
P - Patience. Something I need so much more of.
Q - Quit. Motherhood is a job, right?
R - Rewind. Sometimes, I really wish I could go back in time.
S - Sadness. What I feel every day.
T - Tears. Something we both shed on a daily basis.
U - Unreal. You're still joking, right? This can't be my life!
V - Vulnerable. What he will be when his peers realize he is different.
W - Why? It's just so unfair.
X - Xenogenic. Derived from, originating in, or being a member of another species.
Y - Young. He's not even 2. We have time, we can help him. It will be ok.
Z - Zest. For life. I hope someday he'll have it.