To be brutally honest...

As I write this, it is absolutely pouring rain outside and there are more than half a dozen people in the street in front of my house enjoying in it. Some are playing catch, others are riding bicycles, and some just splashing and shrieking in excitement. I sat down in our bay window to watch them. They are just out there, carefree, having fun, and living in this exact moment. I don't know who these people are. I don't know what struggles they face on a daily basis. And I don't know if they are truly happy. But just for right now, I wish I was them.

I'm not them though, and I can‘t be them. I have to be me. And if I were standing out there right now, I’d be sobbing, tears pouring from my eyes as quickly as the rain drops are pouring from the sky.

I am living a life that I don’t want to live. I am unhappy. I feel incredibly stuck, and I need help getting out of the place I am in, but I don't know where to turn for help. I really don't even know what would be helpful. I want to feel more freedom, less constraint. I want to be able to see the glass as half full, rather than always feeling like I am drowning in a half empty glass. I want to like the person I am, and accept myself for who that person is. I want to stop feeling like every hand I am dealt in this life is full of the losing cards.

Why am I writing all of this, and exposing the deep, dark secrets of my depression for the whole world to see? Because I am done pretending. I am done with the pleasantries. I am tired of putting on fake smiles so people think everything is ok. How could everything be ok? I know I should be grateful for all that I have, things could be worse, and yada yada yada…

I don’t care. This is my situation now. This is my life now. And to be brutally honest, it fucking hurts.