Current Affairs

It's been ages since I've posted on this blog. I've written a bunch of half-complete stuff, but nothing ever felt post-worthy. For some reason I always think whatever I post has to be some earth-shattering, profoundness when really all I want to say is WTF!?!? Over the months that I have been absent from my blog, there were a lot of times that I wasn't writing anything because Oliver was doing so well. He has come such an amazingly long way since beginning his ABA Therapy with The May Center in June. Despite his great advances, we certainly still struggle, but don't all parents struggle with their kids at times? Of course they do.

There have also been some really difficult times during my absence. Times that I was struggling so much that I wanted to just give up, and just getting out of bed was a huge chore. At times I wanted to write about it, but figured my blog shouldn't be so negative. And the purpose for my blog is supposed to be about Autism. Specifically, what my life is like, and how I cope with having a son with Autism. I can't be successful at maintaining a blog with this limited topic (and by successful I mean posting something interesting and worth reading a couple times a week...I'll never be a true Blogger). I'm realizing that Autism is not my entire life, even though it often seems like it is. I have a lot to say that doesn't pertain at all to Autism, my son and sometimes not even to myself. I enjoy writing and I especially enjoy sharing honesty and not being afraid to say many of the things people wish they could say. So that's it. I'm going to continue forward by writing whatever it is I feel like writing.

Today, what I feel like writing is simply a brief summary of my current state of affairs. So, here it is.

I am tired. Not like I didn't get enough sleep last night tired. This is the kind of tired that doesn't go away with sleep. It is inversely proportional to stress and will only go away with change. Lots and lots of change.

It has been months since Ken and I decided we should divorce, and that we'd both be much happier apart. Unfortunately, he has been out of work all winter which has left us struggling to pay our current bills and rent on one apartment. The possibility of paying for a second apartment is out of the question. So we are stuck. We are forced to live together, and while we are able to maintain a civil living environment, it's not fun or enjoyable for anyone involved. The tension is increasing, the desire for more separateness is increasing. There are days that I am so angry I can't stand it. I am just so stuck and there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I want space and freedom.

Oliver's therapy schedule is pretty intense right now, keeping me home a lot. Here's what he currently does:

Monday:
Speech Therapy 10-11am
ABA Therapy 11:30am-1:30pm

Tuesday:
ABA Therapy 11:30am-1:30pm

Wednesday:
ABA Therapy 9-11am and 11:30am-1:30pm

Thursday:
ABA Therapy 9-11am and 11:30am-1:30pm

Friday:
Early Intervention Playgroup 9am-11:15am
ABA Therapy 11:30am-1:30pm

He usually eats lunch and naps right after his 11:30-1:30 therapy session so we are generally homebound until 4pm most days. With home being my least favorite place to be, it's a recipe for disaster. I'm sad, angry, lonely and jealous of other people's happiness. I'm pissed off that life is so hard and so unfair.

Should I be grateful that I have a warm place to live? Of course. Should I be grateful that my son has made tremendous progress and is thriving? Of course. Should I be grateful that, overall, my life is good (well...it's not bad...)? Of course. And I am. I am grateful for those things and so many others. But today, and right now, I'm mad. One of Oliver's favorite books right now is Mercer Mayer's "I Was So Mad." Every time I read it, all I can think is, "Me too little critter, me too. It's just not fair."

More to come.